Four Ways to Forgive No Matter What.

Renowned Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu offer a four step path to forgiveness in their latest work, The Book of Forgiving

Tell the Story

The first step on the four-fold path to forgiveness is to tell the story. Knowing our histories, the book states, allows us to be more connected to what’s come before us and what will come after us in order to see the bigger picture and place our pain in context.

When telling the story, you must start with the facts and speak as truthfully as possible. Once all of the facts are gathered, tell a close friend or loved one first, as they will be able to best comfort you. Consider telling the person who has harmed you as well, but remember to accept that whatever may have happened is already in the past.

Name the Hurt

After you have given your story, the next step is to name the hurt. What parts of the story hurt you, and in what ways? It may sound simple, but we often talk about what someone may have done to us without clearly stating how it made us feel.

As you’re becoming more open about these feelings, it’s important to accept whatever comes up. Grief is a long process and, as the Tutu’s say, “no feeling is wrong, bad or invalid.” Being honest with yourself and your feelings will allow you to slowly progress through the pain and see what’s on the horizon.

Grant Forgiveness

Saying that you forgive someone and meaning it are not necessarily the same thing. Forgiveness only happens once you are fully and honestly able to release your hold on all of the negative emotions you feel toward whoever has wronged you. It is a conscious choice, but it takes time.

It may help to acknowledge that while they have certainly caused you pain, they have just as certain been caused pain by others or even themselves. You will know that you’ve properly granted forgiveness when you are able to tell a new story, this time seeing yourself as the hero rather than the victim.

Renew or Release the Relationship

Granting forgiveness often is perceived as the last stop in the process of forgiving, but you still must consciously decide how to continue the relationship. While you always have the option to release, or discontinue the relationship, renewing is always the preferred option according to the Tutu’s.

When choosing to renew, be mindful of your needs as well as your role in the conflict. What can change so that this doesn’t happen again? Be sure to ask for anything you need to restore the relationship, whether it’s an apology or an explanation. If you do decide to release, it should be in order to free yourself from any lingering pain that would not go away otherwise.

Beliefnet.com