You let the woman of your dreams get away. You made a parenting mistake that still haunts you. You quit an okay job only to replace it with a lousy one. You cheated a friend. And on and on and on. You want so badly to reverse the clock and do it again … the right way. Regrets can occupy a substantial amount of real estate in our minds, especially for those prone to obsessive thinking. I, for one, spend too many hours of my day in remorse over big and little choices—whether they be professional glitches, parenting inconsistencies, or personal shortfalls. Here are some ways I’m trying to let go of my regret.
Repair the World
It’s not always possible to rectify a situation. It could very well be too late for “I’m sorry.” However, there are always opportunities for “tikkum olam,” a Hebrew phrase that means “repairing the world.” This can mean taking your remorse and making good out of it—using any sense of regret to fuel positive actions that work toward goodness. The theme of Khaled Hosseini’s bestseller, The Kite Runner, is about this kind of tikkum olan. I love this passage: “And this is what I want you to understand, that good, real good, was born out of your father's remorse. Sometimes, I thing everything he did, feeding the poor on the streets, building the orphanage, giving money to friends in need, it was all his way of redeeming himself. And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good.”
Perform Acts of Kindness
We need not feed build orphanages to experience a sense of redemption. Repairing the world can start with small acts of kindness, either toward the person involved in your regret, or, if that’s impossible, with other persons in your life. If you failed to say “I love you” to the spouse who fled, you might still perform acts of kindness for her or him—or for someone else in your life--simple gestures that say “I love you” and “I’m sorry.” If you snapped at a friend and apologies didn’t help, you might try to be especially attentive and reach out in a creative way.
Make Changes
Perhaps the best way to deal with regret is to change the behaviors you can. It’s like the Serenity Prayer says: accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and try your best to distinguish between the two. I can think of about 50 parenting mistakes right now that I’m agonizing about. Try as I might, I can’t peal them off of the anxious part of my brain. So I’m trying to categorize them and see what changes in my parenting style might render better results. For the person who has had an emotional or physical affair, this may mean outlining some steps that will prevent it from happening again. Someone who feels as though she’s missed out on her kids’ growing up, she can rededicate herself to the family she has right now. If you got caught gossiping, temper that behavior. Pay attention to your inner dialogue. Swap “if only …” with “next time …”
Throw it in the Jar
I once saw a beautiful canister that was labeled “regrets.” The idea was that you’d write down your regret, put it in the jar, and forget about it. This suggestion is grounded in research. A new study from Ohio State University and the Universidad Autónoma de Madrid in Spain found that when a person writes an unwanted thought down on paper and throws the paper away, he or she mentally discards the thought. I am going to set aside two jars: one in which to toss my “regrets” and one titled “next time” that holds positive steps of action I can replace with the regret.
Ditch the Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist—and if you are fretting enough about past mistakes to be reading this blog, you probably are—you could very well be beating yourself up needlessly. Here’s the good news: no human so far (save Jesus?) has ever hit the grave without messing up. It’s part of the human condition. According to Alina Tugent, author of Better By Mistake, we need to remind ourselves that perfection is a myth.
She writes:
"It’s not easy in a culture that prizes the concept of effortlessness, success and results over the process. But we need to constantly remind ourselves that every time we take a risk, move out of our comfort zone and try something new, we’re opening ourselves up to potentially making more mistakes. The greater the risks and challenges we take on, the greater the likelihood that we’ll mess up somewhere along the way — but also the greater the likelihood that we’ll discover something new and get the deep satisfaction that comes from accomplishment."
Expect Problems
Let’s say we managed to do everything perfectly! All those regrets that we are obsessing about -- poof! They’re gone. We did everything the right way. Unfortunately, even then, we run up against some problems. This is important to keep in mind, because we often imagine our lives running seamlessly if we had made a different choice.
Writes Victor M. Parachin in Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds:
"Thinking the right way, speaking the right way, acting the right way—none of these can prove immunity to problems….This does not mean that we should wring our hands in despair but rather that we should simply and straightforwardly expect difficulties in our life’s journey and face them with courage and detachment.”
Get Back to the Present
No ruminating about mistakes happens in the present. All of this torturous activity takes place when we are concentrating on the past or projecting about the future. Again, pay attention to your inner dialogue. Catch the “if onlys …” and bring it back to the present. If your thoughts wonder back to the past or start to project into the future, try not to judge yourself, and simply bring your attention back to the present moment.
Courtesy of Therese Borchard/Beliefnet.com
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